Curse

Aquabeard · Sep 11, 2009, 09:43 PM // 21:43

(Why do I only post when I'm drunk? Must be a confidence thing.)
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Malfunction

Eeka twisted her squirrely head towards Golo. “What do you mean the calibrations weren’t correct?”

The other asura shrugged. “The crystal mainframe isn’t diametrically opposed.” He patted dust and bits of rubble off his clothing, tried to make it seem like dust and rubble were natural for this time of year.

“And you know what that means, right?!”

“Stop being so shrill, Eeka.”

“It means that I married an idiot who doesn’t know a hyperspanner from a geomystic generator!”

Golo swatted Eeka’s coned hands away from his massive, white ear. “I can hear just fine. And I do know the difference-”

“It means your stupid golem just got stupider and went on a rampage!”

“I’m aware of that.” He tried to ponder in his normal, simple manner, eyes stared into the distant cavern where a golem methodically smashed everything in range of its fists. The thoughts rolled by emptily. The only appealing solution was to fire Eeka out of a cannon at the angry machine. “Well, I’ve got nothing.”

His wife gripped him by the shoulders, her knuckles white and shaking. “We’re going to die!”

“Everybody dies some day.”

“How can you be so indifferent?” Eeka had grabbed her staff and began to wonder how she’d use it. “Don’t worry, don’t panic,” she chanted. “Nothing to worry about. Just a magical machine that will break our faces and use our brains as gloves. No! Think positive! Nothing to worry about. We can take this thing down, right?”

Golo eyed his wife doubtfully. “Nope. We’re properly screwed.” She whacked him on the head. “Ow! What was that for?”

“Thinking negative!”

“Oh yeah? Well how about this for some negative thinking?” Eeka blocked a swat at her face and returned with a slap. For a moment they looked like two children play fighting. “Why did I marry you?” Golo growled. “Always bossing me around, ‘Take out the trash, Golo’ and ‘Stop reading those stupid books, Golo’. I’ll read whatever the hell I want to!”

“You read garbage! What was that last smutty story you read?”

“‘Dusklight’ only the best romance ever.”

“My husband reads smutty vampire romances! I wish you’d pick up a quality book every once in a while!”

“Oh yeah? Well I saw you reading ‘Ten Ways to Sexier Thighs’. Feeling a little heavy these days?”

“I’m insecure! Maybe if my husband complemented my figure once in a while I wouldn’t-”

“Oh come on! You look just fine!”

“Ahh! Golem!”

Golo twisted around and realized the haywire machine bore down on the two. He grabbed Eeka and barely scampered out of the way of its oversized fists. “Ideas?” Golo shouted through the reverberating caverns.

“Have you tried asking it politely to stop?”

“Not helpful.”

“Then how about scrambling its crystal mainframe some more? See whether it goes completely manic before it explodes?”

“Let’s try that.”

“What? That means we need to get close to the golem, which if you didn’t notice is attached to two giant steel fists!”

But Golo already began to march towards it. He looked calm and funerary. “Hey idiot!” he shouted. The machine turned its conical head. “Yeah you, bucket brains!” It charged at him and he spread his feet like a wild deer, prepared to dodge to either side.

The golem sprinted by, unable to stop itself in time to catch the asura. It nearly toppled and then swung eagerly towards its prey.

Eeka made a flying, heroic leap onto the golem’s back and smashed the exposed crystal over and over. It twisted around, tried helplessly to strike at her. The crunch of her staff on metal and stone grew crunchier and crunchier until the golem jerked and whined convulsively and fell on its stomach. A triumphant and slightly unstable grin rode Eeka’s face, she stepped off the golem’s back in a daze.

“I win,” she laughed. “Thanks for helping, hon, I guess you aren’t useless after all.”

“Come here my little bunny.” They hugged and tugged each other close. Even though the dying golem whizzed and crackled, the cavern seemed silent. “I always thought you had great thighs,” Golo whispered playfully in Eeka’s ear. She smiled. “Oh yeah, and ’Dusklight’ is the greatest novel in Tyria.”

“I’m divorcing you.”
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Etaoin Shrdlu · Sep 12, 2009, 06:45 PM // 18:45

Nice. Reminds me of a couple I know, actually...